shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
