alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
