i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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