get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
