There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Panties = found
Randomize
