the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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