Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
