the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
