Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
