DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
