My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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