You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
