he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
