a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
