I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
