She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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