Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
