Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
