our cab driver is having phone sex.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize