Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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