So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
