Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
