Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
