I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize