the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
