i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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