he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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