i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
