Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
