i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
