I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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