Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
