Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
