i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
