So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
