A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
one might say we're banned from that church
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
