So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
