pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
‪Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best. ‬
Randomize
