Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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