I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize