You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
