Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Can I color on your dick again?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
