im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
