i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
