I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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