My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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