And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
