you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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