My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
