The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
