I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
