worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
