I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
