I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
