Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
