are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
