My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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