; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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